Drifting thoughts...

I seem to be progressively getting depressed. My periods of concentration are short-lived. Now that life seems to have fallen into a fixed pace, I have, in turn, become restless and an insuppressible thought keeps rising in my head that makes me wonder if this is all there is to life! If this is what I’ve been dreaming about all this while and looking forward to! Ultimately, it all comes down to this!

Marriage prospects seem pretty bleak - not that it makes any difference to me, but the fact that I do not have any choice whatsoever is what makes me exasperated! Don’t seem to take any particular interest in anything! Nothing seems to excite me anymore! During the day, my head is filled with weird thoughts and at night, I dream weird dreams! I feel like a zombie, going about the motions of life in a pre-programmed manner! I observe other people, their gait, stance, their eyes (for they say, the eyes are the windows to one’s soul) and wonder about them and then wonder if someone else in turn is making the same observations about me! What would he/she be thinking about me? Would they be making the same, possibly wrong (a feeble shot at optimism), conclusions about me? Are they reading me as I read myself? Everyone seems so self assured, or is it just an enforced self assurance brought upon by the possibly similar yet delayed realizations that I seem to be having now?

I just can’t seem to come to terms with reality. Feel like I’ve been in a 27-year long coma filled with pleasant dreams and hopes and now that my waking time has come, my brain refuses to accept reality. Watching Matrix made me wonder how someone could come up with a concept like that. But, now I know!

I feel the need to fly, fly without boundaries of any sort. A weird feeling of restlessness seems to emanate from the predictable and sure present, something that probably would make another feel relaxed and at peace! I question ‘why’! Maybe this isn’t my resting time yet! Maybe there is more for me to do! Maybe there is a passion buried so deep inside of me under all the prevailing conventions and beliefs and rules, that probably I myself might never be able to dig it out unless I can clear my mind of all the conventions (which is near impossible)!

I find myself often wandering to a time, long ago, when I had briefly read a few lines of William Shakespeare’s play, “The Tempest”. I wish, on occasion, I were the female protagonist of the story who grew up on an island all by herself with only her father for company, who never knew the ways of the world or any of it’s disadvantages or seeming advantages, lures and temptations. A clear mind and heart, uncharted and unexperient emotions and experiences just waiting to explore the horizon!

I just want to sleep and sleep if only to put these random, crazy, irrepressible thoughts to rest! Although temporarily! If only permanent sleep would come upon one’s wishing for it sans the inevitable and drastic repercussions!