Of love, careers & reality checks!

Disclaimer: (Beware, this is my grumpy, pessimistic, cynical alter ego speaking)

Love and a career are much like each other!!

You ask me how so??

Well, here goes:

- Both are entered into with much zest, aplomb, dreams, ideals and aspirations!
- Both give us an initial intoxication and a feeling of floating in the air!
- Both have a way of jerking us back to harsh reality!
- They wear us out and make us more mature (if maturity means being unromantic, serious, nerdy and always predictable)
- With time, both turn us into zombies going about our routine, mundane lifestyle sans romance, fun, ideals, worthwhile ambitions with spouses and colleagues who are probably doing the same!

If maturity means accepting reality no matter how bleak it is and going with the flow, I'd rather be immature!!

Wonder if there are Devadases out there who have been disillusioned by their Parvati like careers!!

Reality is a world where muses don't exist...or so it seems to our minds with blinders of constant but false reality checks!!


Prove me wrong!!

The loss of innocence

I’m slowly beginning to change. Don’t know if I should be happy about the fact that I’ve learned now how to deal with people and keep them at an arm’s distance or should I be sad for having lost that childlike, trusting part of me that I might never see again!

One is created with facial muscles in order to express emotions, yet today one is accused of showing too much emotion!

Drifting thoughts...

I seem to be progressively getting depressed. My periods of concentration are short-lived. Now that life seems to have fallen into a fixed pace, I have, in turn, become restless and an insuppressible thought keeps rising in my head that makes me wonder if this is all there is to life! If this is what I’ve been dreaming about all this while and looking forward to! Ultimately, it all comes down to this!

Marriage prospects seem pretty bleak - not that it makes any difference to me, but the fact that I do not have any choice whatsoever is what makes me exasperated! Don’t seem to take any particular interest in anything! Nothing seems to excite me anymore! During the day, my head is filled with weird thoughts and at night, I dream weird dreams! I feel like a zombie, going about the motions of life in a pre-programmed manner! I observe other people, their gait, stance, their eyes (for they say, the eyes are the windows to one’s soul) and wonder about them and then wonder if someone else in turn is making the same observations about me! What would he/she be thinking about me? Would they be making the same, possibly wrong (a feeble shot at optimism), conclusions about me? Are they reading me as I read myself? Everyone seems so self assured, or is it just an enforced self assurance brought upon by the possibly similar yet delayed realizations that I seem to be having now?

I just can’t seem to come to terms with reality. Feel like I’ve been in a 27-year long coma filled with pleasant dreams and hopes and now that my waking time has come, my brain refuses to accept reality. Watching Matrix made me wonder how someone could come up with a concept like that. But, now I know!

I feel the need to fly, fly without boundaries of any sort. A weird feeling of restlessness seems to emanate from the predictable and sure present, something that probably would make another feel relaxed and at peace! I question ‘why’! Maybe this isn’t my resting time yet! Maybe there is more for me to do! Maybe there is a passion buried so deep inside of me under all the prevailing conventions and beliefs and rules, that probably I myself might never be able to dig it out unless I can clear my mind of all the conventions (which is near impossible)!

I find myself often wandering to a time, long ago, when I had briefly read a few lines of William Shakespeare’s play, “The Tempest”. I wish, on occasion, I were the female protagonist of the story who grew up on an island all by herself with only her father for company, who never knew the ways of the world or any of it’s disadvantages or seeming advantages, lures and temptations. A clear mind and heart, uncharted and unexperient emotions and experiences just waiting to explore the horizon!

I just want to sleep and sleep if only to put these random, crazy, irrepressible thoughts to rest! Although temporarily! If only permanent sleep would come upon one’s wishing for it sans the inevitable and drastic repercussions!

Night watch

She never comes alone, always accompanied by her cronies – the black sisters

Sleep is evasive, and she comes even closer, never alone, as if to be of comfort

Yet, her company is not what is desired

Groping for an explanation

As to what summons her

Tossing and turning trying to catch that elusive thing

Every song seems to have a melancholic strain

Every sight, nostalgic

Rose-tinted glasses sans the tint

Two movies later, still no better

At day break, sleep finally throws in its towel

She leaves then - this depression

To reveal the light at the end of the tunnel

And then the realization dawns…darned PMT!!!

Dancing with shadows in the rain…

She never knew she was capable of so much love…but now that she has seen the depth it can reach and tasted the bliss…she can’t settle for any less…but, therein lies the beginning of the end as such love can only come once in a lifetime and with just one person…if not, it can never be called love in the first place!!!

Or maybe not, maybe that wasn’t what she thought it was…if it were what she thought it was, it should have been forever…for eternity…

It’s a crazy, illusive thing…this thing called imagination…over a period of time imagination turns out to take such definite shapes that it takes the place of reality…fooling the beholder into make-believe. Until, finally…all the beholder is left with is changing shapes and mirages…in the world of make-believe…being "institutionalized" by one's own imagination...

Will no one tell me what she sings?

Perhaps the plaintive numbers flow

Of old unhappy far off things

And battles long ago

Or is it some more humble lay

Familiar matter of today

Some natural sorrow loss or pain,

That has been and maybe again…

So sayeth Wordsworth … and oh so right he is… so poignant and melancholic…that so well suits the disposition she is in now…

She lies entangled and entrapped in her own expectations and standards that will never get undone until and unless she loses herself…her essence…

She's dancing with shadows in the rain...